Letting go of the way we were

It has been a little over 8 months since we lost my Dad.  Eight months into this journey and I find myself, on most days, still not quite willing to believe that he is gone.  I long for the way we were...the way we were before his death.  I long for "normal"...the "old normal".  I'm finding it difficult to cultivate my "new normal".  There are days when I think, "hey, I'm think I'm/we're gonna be okay" and then WHAM!! That empty feeling engulfs me, that sinking feeling in my gut returns and I feel like it's day 1 again.

This time last year, I was calling my folks to give updates on our USSSA 12U World Series experience.  We were in Orlando with our daughter's travel ball team having a great time with friends and watching softball.  I was missing pre-planning which was weird for me...I've NEVER missed pre-planning but I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to "catch up" that first week of school. However, not being at school and starting back the same day as the kids...it just felt weird...not at all normal.  From day 1 of the 2012-2013 school year, I felt off kilter - not quite right - out of sorts. Little did I know at the time that this feeling was a foreshadowing of things to come. I was getting ready to receive a curve ball that would change the course of my life. In September, my Dad shared the news with me that he'd been diagnosed with prostate cancer and had been given a Gleeson score of 8 (which in most cases indicates that the chance the cancer has spread is greater).  To say the least, I was floored!  After hanging up the phone, I got in my van and drove and yelled/screamed at God.  "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, LORD? MY DAD HAS LOVED AND SERVED YOU FAITHFULLY! IS THIS HOW YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE TO YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANTS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!"  I was angry, confused and very scared!

Typically, I talked to my parents several times a day, but after that September afternoon, without realizing it I had stopped talking to them as frequently.  I was afraid I'd say something that would "mess up" Dad's healing or speak negativity and I didn't want to do that.  After a lengthy and tearful conversation with my Dad, I went back to the normal communication routine but something was different in me.  I felt a shift from being fearful to being faithful.  I found every scripture I could related to healing, faith, trust and blessings and posted them everywhere so that I could speak healing over my Dad and speak faith words all the time. And then, the unthinkable happened and my world came crashing down. My Dad died in spite of trusting and believing and I was left in a mournful heap ashes.  Where was I supposed to go from here...what was I supposed to do or believe now?

I still struggle everyday with why and how this happened.  I also ask myself if perhaps my prayers weren't right or my faith wasn't deep enough or I didn't trust enough. I think, perhaps I'll always have those questions but as I move along this journey, I'm beginning to understand that letting go of the way we were doesn't mean forgetting...nope, it means letting go of the "old normal" to make room for the "new normal".  I'm not forgetting my Dad or his love for me or the fun we had together.  I could NEVER forget - it is embedded in my heart for all time.  No, I think letting go is just the opposite because by striving to carve out my "new normal" I'm honoring his life and legacy.  I think in letting go we are better able to hang on (sounds crazy, right?)...hang on to our past without allowing it to press us down. Letting go provides renewed strength to help us hang on to our present so that I/we can live in the moment. I know that Dad would want me to move forward in faith - "letting go of what is past and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil 3:12-14 paraphrased).  I think the word "straining" describes perfectly where I am right now.  I'm straining to get through this- to get where the Lord wants me so that I can be who the Lord wants me to be.  It will continue to be a "strain" for me to move through the rest of my days on earth without my Dad's physical presence.  He was a HUGE part of my life and the lives of my children and the void in my heart, I think, will remain until I see him again in Heaven.  I know that there are still many difficult days ahead and as we get closer to the anniversary of his death...well, I'm already dreading that and wondering what that day will look and feel like.

I miss my Daddy every single day.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him several times throughout the day.  People tell me that gradually, that will change...but I don't want that to change.  I want to hold him close in my thoughts and in my heart...ALWAYS. I wish that I could talk to him...wrap my arms around his chest and squeeze him tight (I'm too short to put my arms around his neck) - he did give the best hugs.  I wish I could see that warm, friendly smile in the flesh or hear that boisterous infectious guffaw of his just once more in person.

My sweet friend, Lisa Johnson, shared this song with me.  If my Dad had been a songwriter...I think he'd have written this for me for such a time as this. I've only been able to listen to it a couple of times but it's a haunting melody with a beautiful message of hope.

Dad I'll see you someday " away down the river" but until then...I LOVE YA ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN...FOR ALWAYS!!!

Baby, dry your eyesThere's no need to cry‘Cause I'll see you againIt might be a while before you understand
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more
Now the pictures on the wallWill help you to recallThey're not there to make you sadBut to remember all the good times we had
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more
When it's time to leaveYou're gonna feel the mountain breezeAnd the snow will fill the streamAnd carry you to me
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more.

The darkness of why, trust and finishing the good work in me

Note: This is an old post that I copied from my previous blog, "Mezzo Forte"

My mom heard a sermon on Easter Sunday about "walking around in the darkness of why" ... and as we talked about that message, we related to walking in that darkness.  Why did Dad get cancer? Why did a surgery that was presented in such a hopeful manner somehow go terribly wrong?  Why didn't the Lord heal Dad in his physical body?  Why did He allow Dad's death to pass through His hands?  Why did the Lord see fit to set us on this journey?  See what I mean?  The darkness of why can consume us and sometimes it does just that.  It shuts out all hope and light.  When I constantly ask why, my thoughts become muddled by doubt, fear, uncertainty and faithlessness.  It becomes a matter of will...my will versus God's will.  Is it God's will for me to walk around in the darkness of why?  No, it's not His will...He wants me to trust Him...to trust His heart even in those moments when I am unable to find His hand. He wants me to forge through my grief to my faith and not continue to rely on the faith of my father.  If my will were done, my Dad would be here...alive and well and playing with his grandchildren.  If my will were done...I wouldn't be on this journey.  It's a journey of letting go while still hanging on.  Letting go of "why" while hanging on to faith. It's a difficult place to be; a crossroads of sorts. I'm navigating through uncharted territory (uncharted for me anyway).

I find myself unable to talk with God right now...if and when I pray all I can muster is "Thank you, Lord for another day." I'm so glad that He sees beyond my grief and knows that it's a process.  There are days that I don't talk to God at all but I know that He's right there waiting for me.  He isn't rushing me through the journey.  And while I know He desires a close relationship with me and I with Him, He is willing to wait for me...for my heart to catch up.  He isn't dragging me through it kicking and screaming (although there has been, and probably will be more, kicking and screaming along the way).  He's guiding me, even when I don't see it or feel it or even think I want it.  He's placing people along my path - behind, beside and even in front to help me heal.

This I know and choose to believe, even when my flesh is not sure...I choose to believe in my soul and have confidence that The One who began a good work in me will be faithful to see it through until Christ returns. (Phil 1:6 paraphrased)

Many years ago, I sang this song and loved it; it spoke to my spirit. While Dad was in the hospital a dear long-time friend shared it with me again and one of the pastors who eulogized Dad unknowingly used paraphrased lyrics during the service.  I share it here because it speaks to my spirit in a very different way now than the first time I sang/heard it...I hope it speaks to you, too.

Trust His Heart

When God Leaves.

This world is broken. I mean broken in to a million pieces and those pieces often seem to be scattered as far as the east is from the west. Folks ask, "How could God let this happen?" Whether it's catastrophic events or little annoyances that grate on our nerves and wear on our faith; I am typically one of those "why-ers" but I've learned over the last six years, that the "why" of it all isn't coming on this side of Glory.

In those "why moments" I often find myself saying "Where are you, Lord?" I get so bogged down in the trial, the grief, the turmoil that I feel abandoned by God. When I begin to feel abandoned I get scared but instead of falling on my face before God and clinging to His hand and trusting His heart, I shake my fist at Him and yell and scream...I'm kinda emotional like that, ya know. I guess I think that if I go all psycho-Christian that it'll cause Him to spring into IMMEDIATE action! I mean, who wants a crazy, pre-menopausal woman yelling and screaming and shaking her fist? I shook my fist at God when my Dad passed away...it didn't change my circumstance and it provided no answers or comfort. I've shaken my fist at God when I felt like my children were facing giants that they shouldn't have to face at such a young age. I mean, the Lord probably looks at me and says,"Here she comes again. Gloves on." In those fist shaking moments, I feel desperate, scared and abandoned by God. What I'm learning is that He was, is and always will be RIGHT HERE WITH ME! He tells me so in His word. However, there's always a BIG ol BUT...BUT I can't see you working! I can't see the change! I can't feel Your presence! Why did you leave?

Then, I remember...He hasn't left. He's been with me all the time...working and moving behind the scenes like our preacher said several weeks ago. While we feel like we're on "pause" He is still working. You know what, I don't have to see it or feel it or even believe it...what I MUST do is TRUST HIM! Trust IN Him and trust Him! It's through the worst parts of life that our faith grows and we learn to become completely dependent on Him. When God leaves, we trust Him more! When God leaves we seek His face more fervently . When God leaves we begin to see that He never really left. We begin to see that all the while He was going before us, behind us, above us, under us, making the way. Clearing the path. Pruning and striping away all the crud that was keeping us/me from being in full fellowship and right relationship with Him. When God "leaves"...He refines us!

So the reality is God DOESN'T leave...but sometimes He waits for us to invite Him in.

Just Breathe

Sometimes we roll along and the world doesn't bother us. It seems that we are in complete harmony with the universe...nothing adversarial impending the journey and then BAM!!! Any and everything that could happen absolutely DOES and your standing there in the middle of a wildly spinning vortex frantically searching for the exit but nary an exit can be found. It's in these frantic moments that I have to remind myself who is REALLY in control. I have to remember in whom I put my trust and JUST BREATHE. However, more often than not, that's the last thing I remember to do. I often find that I allow myself to get caught up in the funnel cloud,losing sight of the Peace Speaker. In those moments when I allow the evil one to rob me of my peace I lose sight of the One who sings over me every day, the One who calms my fears with His love. When I allow myself to get stuck in the scary moments and willingly forfeit my peace and find myself breathlessly clawing my way through the swirling winds of the storm I give the evil one control. It's in those moments that my Heavenly Father sends a song, a scripture or someone who loves me across my path to point me back toward Him and I'm reminded to JUST BREATHE...to release the fear and doubt and embrace the promises of the One who loves me best

Defining moments

In life, there are those moments that define us. Moments that make us who we are or change our course...take us in a different direction. I've been thinking a lot about those kinds of moments lately and I've come to realize that many of them come as a result of a season of trial, doubt, sadness or discontent. 

I think most of us go through life wanting to be "happy". We seek happiness. We try to create happiness for ourselves and those we love but what I've learned is happiness is situational. There are events, people, places, things that can make us happy for brief moments but those moments are fleeting. What happens between the "happies". That, my friends is called contentment. How do find contentment, you ask? We find it in the one who brings us peace. The one who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. The source of our joy even in tough times. Contentment is found in Jesus and being firmly planted in the center of His Will for our lives.

I've always heard that we make our own happiness but the facts are we aren't going to be HAPPY every minute of every day because happiness is an emotion brought on by our situation. CONTENTMENT is a state of being. Even in our unhappy moments there is joy and contentment in Jesus but we have to be willing to embrace it. Often times we runaway from contentment in pursuit of happiness. When will we realize that there is no lasting happiness without contentment. It's weird because we often associate content with complacent. Why do we do that? You can be completely content without becoming complacent. Content doesn't mean the absence of pursuit, drive and purpose. I think those things become MORE present when we find our contentment in Christ.

Many times in our walk with Christ we are asked, nudged, required to do things that aren't comfortable. We're asked to step outside of our norm and be brave. Many times, I've resisted...I mean SOOOOOO many times!! When we resist we delay what God has for us or we delay what God has for someone else for which we are the conduit. 

Sunday the preacher used a quote from JFK's speech about landing on the moon.

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too."

Sometimes,Christ wants us to stick with the hard thing simply because it’s hard. It’s like a refiner’s fire. We go through the hard time (fire) so that He can remove all those things that keep us from walking fully in abundant life. The refiner’s fire strips away all the ick which brings forth purity in spirit. It molds us and makes us more in His image and likeness. That refinement is not fun but it’s necessary and we all experiences it at various times throughout life. If we let it, the refinement will draw us closer to Christ and build our faith but we have to willing…even if it’s painful and uncomfortable to see it through and glean from the lessons God has for us. The Refiner’s fire is used to test our endurance of faith. We come out on the other side more radiant and grounded in our faith. We can look back and see all the places where the Father sustained us, gave us mercy, grace and peace. It’s difficult to discern it in the midst of the test but once we’ve come through…WOW!! Christ will ask us to do and be that which is not easy and He asks us to do and be these things BECAUSE they're hard...because doing and being that which He asks is for a greater good, to accomplish His will in our lives and through our lives to touch others. He will make us uncomfortable so that we have nothing else to rely but HIM!

We MUST learn to be content wherever we land! Happiness comes and goes but if we are looking for something to make us happy all the time…we'll spend our entire lives chasing something that isn’t attainable. No one is happy all the time because not all situations are happy. I mean, ya'll ... do you think Jesus wanted to die on the cross? No, He absolutely DID NOT want to go to the cross!! He knew that it was a horrible death. He knew that His Father wouldn't be able to look at Him...that he'd be forsaken, if only for that moment. He even asked if the cup could pass from Him but the answer was no. He had to go. There was a greater good that resulted in His temporary albeit excruciating suffering. Until we commit to Christ completely (even when the times/tasks are hard) we'll continue to chase happiness and contentment will allude us.

What will be THE defining moment in your life?

Psalm 66:10-12

Transitions

Life is a series of transitions. We're always moving from one season of life into another. Most transitions are gradual and come and go without upsetting our apple carts. They happen quietly and go mostly unnoticed. However, there are those transitions that do upset the apple cart and some turn that sucker upside down and rip the wheels right off. Sometimes the transition is expected so we are able, in our feeble way, to prepare for it. Other transitions are sudden, abrupt and give us no warning or time to prepare. Those are the ones that send me into a tailspin. I do NOT like those transitions. Well, I'm not really a fan of transition at all because that means change and if I wanted things to change, well...

I look back at my life and I don't remember transitioning into adulthood (maybe I never did and that's the problem -LOL) but I can promise you that my folks remember. I know that my mother recalls all those moments of transition. The years I spent establishing who I was going to be and what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. I do recall we argued A LOT in the years of my transition from child to young adult. I just don't remember it as a transition...I remember it as my mom trying to ruin my life. ;) My poor dad spent most of those years being a referee/mediator. Now, when I recall those years, I see that it was a time of transition; one that my mom was fighting against and one that I was walking into with wide eyes of wonder and excitement. I think as parents, we all fight that transition. We want to keep our kids close so that we know they are ok but that's not how it works. We know that for God to do His thing in and through our children we have to let them go. UGH!!! It's hard to do but necessary.

Now I find myself on the parental side of the transition as my girl child is spreading her wings and becoming the young woman that God intends. It's waaaaay less fun on this side of that transition. I miss the car rides to and from practices and the nights laying on her bed listening to her tell me about everything going on. I miss being a part of the every day things. Knowing where she is, what she's doing and with whom. Our children go off to college and each time they return home they're a little more grown...a little more independent...a little less willing to share all the goings on and that makes me sad. However, it's exciting to see God at work in their lives...to watch as they become and do all that He has ordained them to become and do. It's most definitely a necessary albeit bittersweet season.

We're still adjusting to having a college kid and she's still adjusting to being a college kid. I couldn't be more proud of the way that our girl is navigating this season in her life. Her first semester of college was, at the very least, challenging. She arrived with a broken hand that just would not heal. She faced several obstacles that would have sent most 18 year olds home to mom and dad but not mine! She got up every day and took care of business...laid her fear and anxiety aside as best she could and worked her plan. She has done a great job "adulting" but I know that every day she "adults" moves her further from me and I know that this is the way it's supposed to be but I don't have to like it now do I?

I love every minute of being a mom to my two gifts! It's hard, exhausting, stressful but my, oh my it's THE best job EVER!! I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I have been a less the perfect mom...less than awesome...at times an absolute hot mess, but I can say that I've done my best to make sure my children know that they are loved...unconditionally.  No, I didn't take monthly pictures when they were babies. I couldn't volunteer in their classrooms the I would have liked because I am a working mom. I didn't homeschool. I didn't always write little love notes to put in lunches or backpacks. What I did do is love them. Listen to them. Discipline them and I've told them EVERY SINGLE DAY that I LOVE THEM! Even on the days that I want to strangle them :) they know I love them...because I TELL and SHOW THEM. I hope that someday, when they are old and gray that they will think of me and giggle remembering some silly something I did or said. I hope that the memories they carry with them are sweet and fun and GOOD! Most of all I pray that they can say, "My mom loved me with her whole being and pointed me toward Jesus." If that's all they get from me...that will be enough.

A place called home

I grew up in parsonages. For those not familiar with the life of an "itinerant" preacher, a parsonage is the house the parish provides for the pastor and his family. We usually left a parsonage a little better than we found it. My parents always made improvements to any parsonage in which we lived. My dad said it was being a good steward of that which had been provided for us. I never really thought much about it...you know, the fact that we never lived in "our" house.

I was fortunate as a PK, I only moved once with my parents while growing up. Okay, maybe more than that when I was a baby but only one that I remember. In light of that fact, I guess I never really grew attached to the houses in which we lived...then Dad died and everything changed.

I began to remember and reflect. I could recall the smells of the parsonage at Fincastle, where I spent my early childhood. I thought about all the things that, in my eyes, made that house so wonderful:the oil furnace, the phone that hung on the kitchen wall, the back porch enclosed to make a laundry room, the basement garage, my room, the small den where we all had our "assigned" seats... all of it! For some reason that parsonage at Fincastle felt like "home" to me after Dad went to Heaven. I'm not sure why but I know that after he left this earth I had a longing to return to that house...to walk through and remember. Sadly, the house had been long since gone. Condemned and torn down but I can look at that lot and still see that house. I still see that aluminum swing set in the back yard. I can see my Dad on the riding lawnmower or working in his garden or climbing up that big ol ham radio antenna pole (which is amazing in and of itself as Dad was extremely phobic about heights). I see it in my minds eye and I smile. I smile because the times were simple then and I didn't have a care in the world. I thought my parents would live forever. I vividly recall my dad finding me in my room sobbing. He sat down beside me and asked me why I was crying. I looked up at him through my tears and said, "I'm worried that you will die." He squeezed me close and said, "That won't happen for a long long time. Don't you worry." I remember thinking to myself the day he died, "I guess it's been a long long time."  After he died, I wanted to go "home" and remember. I wanted to touch all those things again. Walk all those halls again but I couldn't..."home" was gone. It was just an empty field.

I've come to realize that "home" is not really anywhere on this earth. Sure, I enjoying living in our beautiful home where all our "stuff" is stored/used and where we sleep, eat and make memories with family and friends. The bottom line...this earth is not our home. Our home is with the Father.

It's been said "you can't go home again", well that may be so but we haven't yet been "home". While we live in houses here that we call home there is another place...a beautiful place. A place where there is no more pain and sorrow, sickness and disease, no worry or strife. A place where we will hug the necks of those who have been waiting for us to arrive. Heaven...a place called HOME.