Nothing to fear but fear itself and everything in between

*NOTE: Since the original writing of this post, the Lord has brought me a long way with regard to fear and worry. Every day, I confess that spirit worry to Him and trust Him to go before, behind, above, below and beside me.

Since my Dad's death on November 21, 2012 I have lived in fear! There hasn't been a day that I can recall since his death that I haven't been worried or fearful. There are days when my fears reduce me to a heap on the floor. I HATE IT!!!! I hate being a mess, being vulnerable, feeling helpless and victimized but it happens to me a LOT in relationship to fear.  I have moments when I feel as though I'm having an out of body experience (no, I've never been abducted by aliens although I'm sure many have wondered over the years -LOL). The fear grips my heart so tightly that I can hardly breathe and I can't get away from it. I can't hide from it because it ALWAYS finds me.

One thing I know for sure FEAR IS A THIEF!!! It robs me of my peace and strips me of my joy! And folks, let me tell you...that makes me MAD!!!!

It feels like yesterday and forever

Fall is in the air...the mornings are a little crisper and the evenings a little cooler. The air isn't quite so heavy and the good hair days start to outweigh the bad hair days. This has always been one of my favorite seasons...in recent years it's a bittersweet season for me as I find my way back to complete faith and total trust in God.  It's a more difficult journey than I could have ever anticipated. Being raised in a household of faith, I didn't see this season coming. This season of uncertainty and doubt...never thought I'd be here or at least not this long. It scares me!

I want to go back to being ok...I want to go back to being the person I was before losing someone I loved changed me...and not just momentarily...it has changed me FOREVER! I will never again be the same person I was before Dad died. "Dad died"...it still sounds so unreal - I still find myself finding it difficult to believe...but it IS real! Very painfully REAL!

I miss my daddy everyday but some days are harder than others...some moments are more difficult than others. There are moments on a cool fall evening when I'm riding in my van with windows down and I hear the song of the cicada and remember the many nights riding with my Dad up the valley when we lived in LaFollette or home from a ballgame when we lived out on Bates Pike in Cleveland. I can't describe how heavy my heart becomes when I think about the fact that I'll never ride with my Dad again in this life. I'll never get to talk about the resurgence of UT football with him, sit and listen to his hilarious high school stories (I wish I had written them all down somewhere) or sit under his teaching of the Word. I miss everything about him every single day!

Death changes everything! It changes the way you look at and see every situation! Every aspect of your life is eternally altered. I find myself many many times thinking and saying "IT'S NOT FAIR!" And in the flesh, it's not fair but for eternity...it's all good. My hope through this journey is that when I push through the pain and sadness, that on the other side I'll find the strong faith that my father had bubbling up inside of me. That I'll have the unwavering trust that He does have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. The evidence that all things have worked together for good because I do love Him and want to love Him more. When I find myself on the other side of this season, my prayer is that the person I become is the person that God intends me to be.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...

Pressing on...
L

Life Lessons

As I reflect onthe last year and eight months, I have come to the realization that we (my family) have learned a lot - things we wanted to learn and others that we didn't want to learn but needed to learn so that we could grow as a family and as individuals.

Things I learned:
*I can survive a broken heart
*My children are braver and stronger than I ever realized
*Bad things happen but they don't have to define us - the way we respond does
*Letting go is difficult but necessary
*People, even the ones you love and who love you, aren't perfect and will let you down
*I can't control the actions of others - only my actions and reactions are within my control
*If someone wants to be mad at me, they're gonna be mad no matter how hard I try to please them
*I can't live my life trying to please people
*It's ok that everyone doesn't like me (I hate it but it's ok...or it will be ok)
*We are a flawed people in a broken world and WE ALL NEED JESUS
*Even when you try your very best you may fail but failure isn't defeat unless you allow to make you stop trying
*There are some things in life that can't be fixed - you just have to allow them to run their course and trust that the Lord has your back
*I have to allow my children to experience failure and make mistakes - it's part of living and I have to give them the opportunity to grow
*I have to allow my children to enjoy their successes and teach them to enjoy and applaud the successes of those they care about
*I have to forgive folks even when they don't ask for it
*It's important to try and make time to see (in person) the people who mean the most to you - even if it's inconvenient - try your best
*I have to take a hard look at myself and allow Christ to heal those things in me that are broken, hurt, angry, faithless, full of doubt, regret

Things I believe my children have learned:
*They can/will survive a broken heart
*They are braver and stronger and smarter than they ever thought
*Grown ups aren't always the good guys (which is unfortunate)
*Life isn't fair but we try to find the good/positive things in every situation (it's hard sometimes)
*Life is hard sometimes but it's worth the fight
*It's ok to ask for help - especially when the road is hard
*They don't have to be perfect and shouldn't try to be
*Sometimes the good things come to those who do the right thing -sometimes the good things happen to the ones who cheat and manipulate - it stinks but it's life in this broken world
*Mom and Dad love them...a lot - NO MATTER WHAT

In the last year and eight months, we have learned several life lessons. Let me tell you, life lessons aren't always fun; Sometimes, they REALLY stink! My kids have had to learn some life lessons that I wish they hadn't learned so soon in their lives. I've had my stomach in knots for months worrying about things that, when I stop and rationalize, are really completely out of my control...yet I worry!

I guess saying that I've "learned" a lot through this journey is an overstatement. I've experienced a great deal and I hope that I have/will learned/learn from the things I've seen/experienced but I'm not sure that I've made the transfer of those lessons to practical application. I've experienced the deep dark valleys and the flat places...the mountain tops have been scarce of late but I still believe that there are some waiting for our family and for each of us as individuals.

I have struggled and I continue to struggle...but these things I know, God is for me/us and He has a plan. I have NO CLUE what the plan is and I struggle every single day to trust that He knows best. Every day, I have to turn my doubt, worries and anxiety over to Him about 1,000 times. I'm not always successful and some days I feel defeated and forsaken but I'm learning again to pray believing that He will answer. I'm learning to trust and have faith that He hears my prayers and answers them in His time an in His sovereign ways. I will never understand why some of the things that have happened over the last year and eight months have happened to us. I have made the choice to believe that He knows best and has allowed all these things to refine each of us; preparing us for the path He has for us.

There is a lyric from one of my all time favorite songs that says,
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His Heart


Help me, Heavenly Father, to trust Your heart!

Got Trust?

Phew! Father's Day came and went and it was just as emotional for me this year as last. I think my sadness was compounded by the fact that I had been sorting and filing old pictures....many of them of Dad. Me and Dad - Dad and each of my children as newborns - Dad and Mom - All 3 of us....the list goes on. It was a double-edged sword...the memories were so sweet and seeing him - his face, his smile - was so wonderful but on the other side...it was painful and brought sorrow and sadness and worst of all longing.

Longing is the worst. I long for my Dad's presence - I long to catch the hint of his smell (Old Spice deodorant - he never wore cologne) - I long to feel his embrace, hear his laughter, his voice...there's so much about him that I long for...and it causes the tears to well up in my eyes and spill over before I even realize that they're there. Longing is a terrible feeling and what makes it worse is there will be no end to that longing in this first world. I think that I will always long for my Dad - it seems that the further away I get from November 21, 2012 the deeper the longing and the more overwhelming the missing of him becomes. There are STILL days when the tears come for no real reason...a song, a smell, a familiar moment and sometimes it's as dadgum commercial on TV!  When I feel that longing it makes my brain feel foggy and scrambled...I feel unsettled and in disarray. In those moments, the doubts and questions return. "Why, Lord? Why now? Why at this time? What is Your plan? What were/are  you thinking? How can good come from this? What am I supposed to do?"  Yeah, the question and doubt are pretty endless in those moments and unfortunately, I have lots of those moments.

It seems as though when one area of you life feels disheveled, other areas seem to feel that same way. I find myself feeling like things are falling apart or, as my 9 year old would say, it feels like everything is "jacked up"!  I hate that feeling...the feeling that whatever can go wrong most definitely will.  The feeling that everything you say and do is said and done the wrong way or taken the wrong way or in the wrong context. I then start to feel frantic...the frantic need to fix it all!  I'm learning, however, that some things can't be fixed with a kind word or an "I'm sorry" - death can't be "fixed"...grief can't be "fixed". As a child, I can remember distinctly, moments of fearful tears worrying about my parents dying someday. I remember them finding me in a puddle on more than one occasion and asking me why I was crying. Upon telling them of my fear, they'd assure me that I didn't need to worry that that wasn't going to happen for a very long time.  Guess what, it's been "a very long time".

I continue to struggle with my Dad's death. I wonder what could have been done differently. I wonder why God has healed so many in the months since Dad's death but chose not to heal my Dad in this life. I continue to wonder why...I try not to but I do. I continue to struggle with my prayer life...I wish it weren't so but it is. My biggest struggle right now is trusting God. Trusting that He really does have a plan and that somehow, my Dad's death was part of that plan. I've been taught and reminded many times that God is NEVER caught off guard...that nothing is ever a surprise and of course I believe that's true.  I trusted Him with something immensely precious to me...my earthly father's life and a year and a half later I find myself still struggling - not just with Dad's absence but with the reason for his absence. And so, the question remains...can I trust that this horrible part of my life is working for good? Do I believe that all this grief and longing, not just in my heart and life but in the hearts and lives of my children, will somehow bring God's plan for our lives to fruition; that He'll use this incredibly horrible loss (and all the other struggles that have seemed to follow) to work for our good? Got trust?

When you're afraid to pray.

It has been a while since I've blogged. Lots of reasons...life being the biggest of reasons. I have found myself feeling emotional and overwhelmed...much like the first few months after Dad's death. I have also found it increasingly more difficult to pray...not because I don't know how to pray necessarily but because I'm afraid to pray. Now, I know what you're thinking (all 2 of you =0) "Afraid to pray?! What is wrong with her?! Is she crazy or something?!!"  Well, while there are those who would argue that point, don't give up on me quite yet...

In the months since Dad's death, I've noticed something...whatever I pray the opposite seems to happen. I prayed for Dad to be healed and to proclaim the glory of the Lord in the land of the living. I prayed this prayer vehemently...fervently! While healing did come, it was not the healing for which I prayed. In the last year and a half, I have prayed for my children...for their hearts to healed, for them to have some degree of success in whatever they endeavor to do - to feel a small sense of accomplishment to build a wee bit of confidence. Again, fervently I prayed...almost begging God for a glimmer of hope and healing for them and again, the opposite happened. It seems as though at every turn there has been something or someone to knock them down, degrade their confidence or further illuminate their pain and grief. So, I gave up...I quit praying and guess what...things improved for my children. So now perhaps you understand why I'm afraid to pray.

I want to pray. I want to know that when I pray, Christ hears my petition and answers my prayer but I don't feel that way. I want to...but I don't. It makes me feel so inadequate as a parent, wife, friend and Christian to have the inability to pray with confidence. I feel like a failure...a disappointment...not just to my children but to my faith, to my Dad who always prayed, to my mom who continues to pray, to my friends who pray, to strangers who pray...I'm a failure!!! Prayer is the language of faith and I'm a MUTE!!!

I am a believer! I want an intimate relationship with Christ...like the one my earthly father had with Him. I know that intimacy with Christ comes through prayer and studying the word but the bulk of the relationship is built through communication with Christ. Regular, heartfelt, honest communication...something that I'm lacking at the moment.

When friends ask for prayer, I want to pray but I fear that my prayers will only hinder the work God wants to do. It's my concern that in my attempt to help through the venue of prayer I will somehow postpone the blessing, the healing, the positive outcome. Of course, I'm that person who feels that if you want a team to lose...just ask me to root for them!  Their loss will be imminent - of that I am certain! 

I can't adequately express how horrible it makes me feel to think I am incapable of praying for those I love. I'm reluctant to say to folks, "yes, I'll pray for you" because I have no faith or confidence in the power of my prayer. Therefore, I don't...I just tell them that I'm thinking of them. 

One thing I do know, that even in the midst of my struggle, God sees and knows my heart. He understands my heartache, my grief and even my silence. This journey continues to be difficult...ups and downs...twists and turns but through all of that I do know that I know that my Heavenly Father loves me in spite of me...and for that I am so much more that grateful.

Tis the season to be STUCK!!

Today marks one year, one month and 8 days since Dad crossed over from this temporary life to eternal life. Time has passed, but I don't find this journey to be any easier.  As the months have gone by, I have missed him more...the further away I am from the last time I heard his voice, saw his smile, heard his laughter, felt that tight squeeze from a bear hug that only he could give I find myself feeling sad, forsaken, hurt, angry...STUCK! I'm stuck in my journey...more than a year later and I am still asking how could this have happened and why Lord, why??!!!

This holiday season has been challenging...even more so than last year which was our first without Dad. I think we were in shock...still walking around in disbelief that the Heavenly Father had really allowed this profound grief and heartbreak to enter our lives.  However, this year...it was real.  Dad's absences was very very real and it was painful!

Many of my friends have lost a parent and they appear to move through that grief with their faith intact.  I'm finding that "keeping the faith" is not as easy as it seems.  I see/hear about friends and acquaintances who are going through difficult times and as I observe them...watch them walk through the difficult time, it seems that their faith becomes stronger, deeper more profound.  Not me! I have found it more difficult to trust, depend on and pray to my Heavenly Father.  What does that say about me? It makes me question whether my faith was ever really "mine" or did I derive my faith in God from outside myself?  Did I depend too much on Dad to be the prayer warrior...to believe for me instead of with me? One thing the Lord is showing me is that I did and still do depend on others in matters of faith. I have no confidence in my faith or the power of my prayers. After all, I prayed and believed that The Great Physician would restore my Dad - heal his fleshly body and look where that got me. I know that of the 2 or 3 folks that will read this, one or two of you will think I've become a full blown heathen...I promise, I haven't...I'm just a person of faith who is struggling through a "dark night of the soul". My head tells me that this too shall pass and I will be stronger and my faith will be deeper and will belong to me on the other side of this journey.  I'm beginning to wonder though, if I'm going to make it to "other side" of this journey.

In the last year, I've had to listen to my head a lot more than my heart. My head hears all the truths Dad taught me, all the scriptures he quoted and all the things of faith he shared with me and with countless others. Yep, my head hears it and knows it's true...ahhhh, but my heart...my heart is broken and still can't fathom life without Dad here in his earthly body. As I sit here typing my mind is saying over and over..."I can't believe he's gone! How could God do this to us?! This can't be true...I don't believe it!! Why would He do this?! It's not fair...not fair at all!!! Dad was strong and preaching and teaching better than ever! He still had so much more to give for you Lord! Why did you take him from us?!!! Why? WHY?! WHY?!!" Yep, that's where I am.

A friend of mine has shared with me journals she kept during the first years after losing her Dad quite unexpectedly.  I can't tell you how much reading her deepest thoughts has started to help me sort through my own. To see my thoughts written on paper by someone else...WOW! It's as if she is in my head and heart...it's as if I wrote the words I'm reading. There is something about knowing you're not crazy...you're not alone...you're not the only person who has thought and felt this way.

I think that there is still a part of my heart that can't accept that Dad is gone from this earth. I think perhaps that's why he hasn't visited me. I have had only one dream about Dad since his death and in the dream he sat in a chair and observed. He didn't say or do anything...which if you knew my dad at all you would know how uncharacteristic this behavior is for him. That's the only "visit" I've had and I don't really consider it a visit because there was no interaction between us. My children and my mom have all had visits, dreams and experiences with Dad's presence. Perhaps my unwillingness to fully accept his death keeps him from coming to me.  Perhaps my irritation/unrest...okay anger with God keeps Dad at bay.  I don't know...I can't know. What I do know is that I long for an experience...I want to feel my Dad's presence...hear his voice, his laugh, hug his neck...even if it is only a dream.

I can't tell you how my heart aches to think about the fact that my children have so many years ahead of them without my Dad's presence here on earth. I'm selfish and like spoiled brat I find myself shouting "I want my Daddy!!!" I want Darryl Ross back in his body on this earth healed and whole! My head knows that this is not to be...but I think somewhere in my heart I'm holding out hope.  How weird is that?!!!

When I blog it feels like I'm just rambling. I feel like I'm jumping from one thought to the next without any real purpose or fluidity. I've felt jumbled, befuddled and lost since Dad's death.  My mind feels scattered and restless...I feel like I'm having an out of body experience that won't end! Little things set me off...anger is always right near the surface...anger and tears, they both lay just below the surface and spring up randomly sometimes for no good reason...BAM...there they are! Sometimes simultaneously and sometimes individually. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm completely out of sorts because I can't find the tape! The emotions ebb and flow everyday and when they flow...boy, oh boy...STAND CLEAR!!! It makes me crazy and I know my family is thinking "what in the world is her problem?" My daughter asked me the other day "Why are you always mad at me?" It took me aback..."I'm not always mad at you." I responded. She replied, "It seems like you are...like you're always mad." Oh my gosh!!!  I don't want my kids' memories of me to be "Mom was always mad after Pop died" - I want them to have the same kind of fondness for me that I have for my Dad and my time with him while he was on this earth. My Dad had a knack for making the most of each day...each moment really. I wish I was more like that! Wish I had the ability to make every moment count for eternity the way he did.

Since Dad's death, I've felt this need (for lack of a better word) to see/visit people I love and who have played important roles in my life along the way. I want to sit down with them and catch up face to face...hug their necks and tell them how much they've meant and continue to mean to me. How they've helped shape me into the person I am. More often than not...life gets in the way - between work and the kids' schedules and the schedules of those I'm wanting to see...well you get the idea. Making the rounds becomes almost impossible but I hope that 2014 will afford some opportunities for me to do just that...to see the important people...not just on Facebook or via email but to see them - hug a neck - laugh - cry - reminisce! I think being an only child made me treasure my friends more...made them an important part of my life than folks who had siblings. My friends became an extension of my family. I think that's why I've felt such a need to reach out to them (even in the smallest ways) during the journey.  To touch again that time in my life and those people who knew Dad and knew me when Dad was alive. I don't know...weird, huh?! I guess comfort comes in odd ways during difficult times.

I want to make my Dad proud! I want to be the person God intends me to be...the person my parents raised me to be. I want to honor my earthly parents and my Heavenly Father with my life! I'm just not sure that I know how to do that now.  I'm so glad that the Lord sees and knows my heart and won't give up on me...even if, for a minute, I may give up on myself.


Psalm 130: 1-5
From the depths of despair, O Lord
              I call for your help.
Hear my cry, O Lord.
               Pay attention to my prayer.
LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,
                Who, O Lord, could ever survive?
But you offer forgiveness,
                 that we might learn to fear you.
I AM COUNTING ON THE LORD;
                  YES, I AM COUNTING ON HIM
                   I HAVE PUT MY HOPE IN HIS WORD.

This Time Last Year

Made it through the first "week" of school.  It's always soooo tiring - getting used to rising at crack o'clock every day of the week. I'm grateful to have a job but boy, do I wish they'd pay me to stay home.  I have a new teaching position this year.  I am the Title 1 math teacher for K-2 so it's a school year of "firsts" to accompany my life year of firsts without Dad.  Yep, it always comes back to that...

This time last year my folks had been given the news that Dad had prostate cancer and they were waiting to tell me knowing that the start of a new school year brought its own kind of stress to my life.  I had gotten off to a late start with not being at pre-planning due to our trip to the USSSA 12U Fastpitch World Series.  That in and of itself had me all befuddled to a certain degree...it also produced a feeling of uneasiness...an unsettled feeling.  This time last year, I was calling in to report how fall ball was going - Garrett was playing rec ball and Sara Beth was still with the GA Jinx 12U team.  I was blissfully ignorant.  This time last year, my Dad was mowing grass, planting and tending to his flowers, running errands, reading books, preparing and preaching sermons...LIVING LIFE.  There was no outwardly visible sign to tell the world that this man had cancer.  He was strong and full of life and laughter. 

Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye.  This time last year, I could NEVER have imagined that he'd be in Heaven...gone from us in the physical body.  This time last year, I didn't have this ache in my soul...this "fussy" unsettled feeling.  

On my worst days, I'm angry and giving God the cold shoulder...wondering what we ever did to deserve the pain of this journey.  On my best days, I remember my Dad's laughing eyes, his wise counsel and the love he had for all he knew and I still believe that there's a plan...that God's not finished and if I will wait on Him the plan will be fulfilled.  

When Dad was first diagnosed, a dear friend told me that God wasn't taken by surprise by any of the news that had literally brought our world to a screeching halt.  He had seen the beginning to the end and His Word was true.  He's incapable of lying. Even after Dad died, she repeated those words to me many times.  And now, on my VERY best days...I'm starting to believe again that that's true.